014 | On Going Alone to The Party
My tale of shaking off the bad feelings while showing up stag.
TW: I want you to do something insane right now. I want you to watch the movie before reading the book. No need to try to imagine what things looked like in your head. I will be name-dropping and picture adding throughout this whole thing, because that is what I like to have handy when it comes to party reporting. I will try to provide as much evidence as I can so you can feel like you were there too.
As Amanda Lee Burkett says, “we live in a city where being at the right place on the right night is everything.” I believe in this statement with my full chest.
When you first get to New York City, it’s hard to know if you are ever in the right place. Knowing you are at the right place, and being invited to the right place, takes reps, like most things in life. I would advise you to not knock anything until you try it. The more you go to, the more you will be invited out. If you are considering not attending something because it might “not be your thing,” remember that saying no to that event means saying no to three others that could come from it.
And yes, you should go even if it means going alone.
I don’t feel pity for those who mope in their apartments after ditching plans because their only option was to show up stag.
Some places I have gone solo to:
A lot of parties, industry gatherings, and dinners
A presentation on the reindeer situation in Finland (there is so much to get into with this, that’s another newsletter) hosted by the Scandinavia House
You must go to the Scandinavia House, it has a little restaurant and cute tiny shop. A showcase that shows you the process of knitting a sweater ethically, from shearing the sheep to dyeing the wool with beets and everything else.
The Italian festival (both in Brooklyn and Manhattan)
Almost anything I see on a flyer that doesn’t scream “bait for human trafficking”
The country of Finland for my first (but not last!) international solo trip (I did not see any reindeer)
Cold plunge get-togethers (I don’t even like cold plunging that much but I really like the kinds of people who go to this kind of thing so I show up anyway)
Now that we got that out of the way, I have something to admit... I was a moper recently. Even as a seasoned professional, it’s been harder to attend events alone.
Something must have happened this winter in my hibernation state. It wasn't like this last summer, or the summer before that, or even the summer before that. The below-average temperatures must have been perfect breeding grounds for awkward teenager feelings to fester.
It started with Adam Faze’s birthday party a few weeks ago. It was a cool party at Night Moves, the speakeasy vinyl dance club connected to Michelin-starred restaurant The Four Horsemen, owned by James Murphy, frontman of the band LCD Soundsystem. While James wasn’t in attendance, it seemed like everyone who is anyone was. No phones were allowed, très chic! What wasn’t très chic was that I committed an immediate party faux pas by showing up incredibly on time.
I was so on time that I was the first one there. *Gasp*
Lucky enough, the second person through the door was comedian Michael Abber.
Along with being funny, he was a fabulous person to be sitting in an empty bar with for thirty minutes until others walked through the door. Once the room started filling up, he introduced me to his friends, one of whom was Sexy Damion, who was from Colorado but has never gone skiing. They were fun. I also met the artist Rex DeTiger (stream Whisper!!) who was kind and chatted with me while I hung out by the water cups. I felt annoying to them all and over hydrated. I didn’t want them to think I was leeching off their presence.
It also was the first time I ever questioned why anyone would talk to me. Everyone there was far cooler than me and, as all cool people do, they knew each other. This realization, even if the situation that brought it on had happened before, has literally never once crossed my mind except for maybe Greek life parties my freshman year of college, but I hardly remember those, as there were no water cups.
Everyone at Adam’s was having a good night with their cool friends and doing cool jobs with cooler conversation topics that did not involve the reindeer or Finland or cold plunges or the Italian Festival. Everyone branded themselves as a multifaceted creative while I felt like I was grasping at straws with the fact that I produced technology podcasts for a living, podcasts I wasn’t even on hosted by people I didn’t really know.
Normally at birthday parties, work doesn’t come up, but when you are an artist like so many of them were, it seeps into conversation because it is your soul, your reason to live. Tech podcasts are not my soul. They are my income. Which is deeply uncool to creatives. I kept my mouth shut about that and tried to take a fly on the wall approach which ended up making me feel like a creepy eavesdropper.
I left the party feeling a little slinky-like. I danced for a bit, and was ever so thankful for my new acquaintances Rex, Sexy Damion, and Michael the comedian. I don’t know how I would have survived the night without them. I think the only one of them who would remember me is Michael, and that is only because the lights were still on at the bar when we arrived too early.
They were all polite. It was my headspace that was the problem. My insecurity stemmed from caring too much about myself and who I wasn't while being in a crowded room, a recipe for disaster. When you care too much about yourself you forget how to be present. Looking back at it all, I could have easily shifted my attention outside of my body, but I just felt so stuck in it.
I know that if you were invited to something, there is a reason you should be there, if not for any reason other than fate.
That fate ended up being Michael, because although I was out of town for this last one he invited me to his comedy show and I have been wanting to go to more comedy shows, especially in Brooklyn. The next show I am in town for, I am determined to show up to very much on time.
A few days ago, I decided that I had to do two things:
Start embracing my creativity, because that is why I found all those people at the birthday party cool
Shake the feeling of being a mopey fly on the wall and get over myself
I marched in my little pink heels and pleated pants right up to the door of Boom at the Standard for Eddie Huang’s Come Undone launch party. I dropped off my coat in coat check to make sure I didn’t look like someone who was on their way out. I took the long way to the bar to scope the room out. I ordered some liquid courage. I then looked for other people who might have been a one-man show like me, or at least were speaking with people in the way where there is too much distance between them, so I know they aren’t buddy buddy.
If you haven’t been to Boom, you might have been to Le Bain, its trashy little sister who just can’t get a grip. Located in the same building, they both have bathrooms with the best views of the city. I could spend all night in there.
Where they really differ: Boom (fka Boom Boom Room and Top of the Standard) has a beautiful bar and conversation pit sitting room with floor to ceiling glass windows of the city, really one of the most beautiful spaces in all of Manhattan if you ask me.
Le Bain, on the other hand, has a hot tub full of so many diseases, chlorine bounces when it hits the water. If you ever, and I mean ever, see someone get into a hot tub at Le Bain, grab them by the hair and pull them out. Life or death situation.
At the beautiful Boom, I was determined to be more confident and less like I was being babysat. That is how I met the wonderful Lauren Ro, writer at the Strategist and fellow Brooklynite. She and I hung out all night (for about an hour) and even had a glass of champagne. I had a great time. We spoke about her family, our thoughts on the best towels, and Brooklyn, all topics I enjoy greatly.
The crowd was lively. I saw one of my favorite internet native poets and visual artists, Sotce, walk right by me like an elegant gazelle in a mini skirt. She embraces her creativity, very cool. I just stood there with my mouth agape at her grace that I forgot to say hello. I also heard there was someone from Summer House or some other reality TV show there too, but I don’t watch that trash. I prefer trash that is on TLC, mostly with the Amish involved.
In the conversation pit, there were cards with fun questions on them, and bananas with flowers coming out of them, reminiscent of the cover of Come Undone. The DJ was good and people danced to the side. The bartenders were fast, (a little too fast at the beginning for me when I didn’t meet Lauren yet and was trying to do something in the room.)
I didn’t get to meet Eddie, but if I see him again I would like to extend my sincerest thank-yous for the invite. I felt like I needed this party to get out of my solo rut. It was medicine.
Yesterday, I listened to his interview on How Long Gone and thought about what it would have been like if I could have split the crowd like the Red Sea and talked to him myself. Maybe next time after I read the book.
The day after the Boom party, I hosted my own rager with far less beautiful bathrooms. It was a meetup in the park. Every single person showed up alone.
While I did supply an array of picnic snacks (untouched), I did not bring alcohol because I thought people would go into the park house to get a drink. The Philosophy Club had other plans though and decided to plan their debate night right on the same night as my meetup in the park, making the bar more crowded than usual on a weeknight. Luckily, someone else rolled through with lots of wine.
After my last few solo events, I tried extra hard to make sure everyone who came solo felt important, even more so pre-social lubricant. I wanted to remember everyone’s names, and ask them questions, and know where they live, and not ask about work unless they wanted to. I had genuine interest in them. I wanted them to feel like they had a reason to be here.
I think the reason I had uncomfortable feelings lately while going solo to parties was exactly for this moment. It was the universe telling me how to handle it when I saw others in the same situation. I will be more attentive, more compassionate, and make sure everyone feels like they have a reason to be there if I am able. I hope I was doing this all before, but I feel much more aware and like I want to take action in a crowded room if I ever see someone alone. I want everyone to feel included and to never leave anything feeling slinky-like.
I hope you go to something alone this summer, and if you do go to something with friends, I hope you go up to someone who showed up solo. I hope that you are a great host to those who come without knowing anyone else. It just might be their right place on the right night.